The first sentence is always the hardest. After that one, things tend to just... flow. So, I'm sitting here realizing how out of practice I am with my writing and trying to think up a good first sentence to my first blog post in literally years. Done.
So, without regard to audience, demographics, popularity, page views, etc... I must write. One of my favorite websites, Cracked.com had an article by David Wong that challenged it's readers to "do anything" this year that will make us better, more interesting people. I completely concurred with his premise that I have become a little too boring, a little too entitled to attention, and a little too auto-piloted in my daily doings, and he made me want to change that. Thank you, Mr. Wong. I accept your challenge. I'm going to create this blog. I'm going to create things, situations, and ideas worth reading about. I'm going to create a new path for myself. I'm going to move to Portland.
I used to have one hell of an imagination. Not anymore. See, my brain isn't currently able to function as it once did, and my personality has been grayed-out. I take a drug cocktail every morning that you might perhaps suspect a seasoned pro-athlete, or a 50-year-old ex-steel worker to be prescribed... NOT an overweight stay-at-home mom. Notice how I didn't say "homemaker?" It's because I don't have any pride in my home anymore and I don't do shit around here. I used to be able to blame my family for the state of my home because I worked on it everyday, hard. Even after I started getting sick (topic for another time) I worked and worked to maintain our home, but I could never keep up with the four other people who would unceasingly trash it and leave it for me to clean alone. Eventually I just gave up, and never found the motivation to take that problem on again. My house is unfit to live in. Not quite "Hoarders" or "4 Children Removed From Deplorable Pig-Sty" bad, but I wouldn't think YOU were a very good parent if your home looked the way mine does. I fight with feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, loneliness, and self-hatred everyday. I resent my husband and children, sure, but I also feel so guilty for becoming this... thing that I am. I've thought about suicide a time or two (or hundreds) but it's just not my style. Stubbornness is also one of my traits... and luckily for me and everyone I love, it's one that hasn't faded... yet.
Truth be told, I'm a pretty amazing person. I'm really honest, and am one of the most honorable people I know, even if a little hypocritical at times. I have creativity and talent and passion. I love fiercely and am loyal. I'm extremely forgiving and it takes probably more than it should to inspire hatred and distrust in me. I care about... everything; from politics to science to spirituality to the stories strangers have told me to the ecosystem and people in other coutries... I ponder and react to and dream about literally everything. I have few prejudices and a voracious appetite for knowledge and experience. And I'm willing to work hard... always have been. I enjoy physical labor and getting my hands dirty. I love accomplishing. I've never been accused of being an over-achiever, but lazy certainly wasn't the alternative ever. At the very least I was always functional. I want so much, and so little of that is material.
I wonder sometimes if the enormity of it all is what paralyzes me. There's just not enough time in the day to do it all so I do nothing. I can't save the world so why even sweep the kitchen? Well... there's where Portland comes in. Idaho is just not where I belong. I've tried to be here for a really long time, even after I didn't have to be anymore, but it's never changed. This is not my home. People tell me that moving to Portland is only going to change the geography but that I'll still have to deal with all my other issues just as if I had them here. Only, they're wrong. I can't explain why, but they just are.
Ok, so... I consider this first post to be a failure. It's rambling and incongruent and wholly too negative. This will not grab a significant readership and I am not satisfied with the length, content, nor flow of the entire thing. But I HAVE TO POST IT. This is where I start to change things. I can't let the perfect be the enemy of the good anymore. I have to do something and complete it. So... internet, bud! Here. Have another blog. Hopefully you'll start to get more of these from me with more interesting things to say. Tomorrow, I'm surprising my husband with an anime festival (huge step,) so maybe I'll have something to say about that.
Cheers!
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